Have you ever been a situation not serving you and you stayed anyway? Me too. Actually, I have spent far too long in most situations that don't serve me. I have stayed mostly out of fear and lack of feeling worthy of more. I was fearful to walk away and close a door because what if another door never opened?! I would stay and stay and stay, camped out at a door half open and beg for scraps. And the thing about scraps is you can survive on them. So, I would stay longer because I was being fed something. Never mind that I felt miserable, low, sad or half crazy. I was surviving.
Cut to getting sober -- just a side note, getting sober has given me SO MUCH CLARITY. I highly recommend it---and doing A LOT of self work, I have finally risen up from all my camping out at doors half open. I see now that the only thing that is preventing new doors from opening, that would gladly welcome me in, is me. Letting fear and low self worth was/is the only thing between me and new opportunities that serve my highest self. I'm also learning that places/people/situations that served me at one point might not serve me at this moment. And it is okay to walk away. It is okay to close the doors on those things. It's kind. When I do, I allow for growth of all things; me and whatever it is I'm walking away from. And then with growth and space on both sides, things can come back around if it's right.
I closed a door this weekend. One, I had been keeping half open just like I used to do. I was so fearful of closing this door because what if that prevented love from coming to me? What if I closed it too soon? What if I just camped out a little longer, proved I was worthy by way of sacrifice one day longer and what I was desiring would show up? What if, what if. Those "what ifs" are just my fear and old patterns of low self worth. I have grown my worth and learned to look my fear in the face and move forward anyway. So, I took a deep breath and lovingly closed the door. I think that's the key too, close doors with love. I didn't close it out of anger, spite or a manipulation tool. I looked objectively at the situation, how it made me feel and saw nothing was serving me or what I desire. And, it closed without a fight.
Immediately after I closed the door, doubt bubbled up and that's okay. I'm siting with it. I'm listening to the old thought patterns that recycle in my brain about maybe I shouldn't have done that for reasons a, b and c. I am lovingly listening to them all, giving them their moment to be heard and gently calling them in my heart to rest.
Lindsay Mack shared on her wonderful podcast that October's theme is: trust the timing. And that is exactly what I'm doing. I am trusting that it took me to this moment to really learn this lesson. I am trusting that I had to close that door this weekend and not a second before. I am trusting all the situations not working out. I am trusting the timing. And closing all the doors no longer serving me.
What about you? Are you camped out next to a half open door? What would it take to value yourself more and walk away? If you need help guidance through this, I would love to guide you.