Stop looking. No really.
When I was single for 8 years, I was pretty desperate for a relationship. I would talk to people who had been single for long periods of time and found love again. I would talk to women who found their partners at later point in life. I would talk to anyone in a relationship really and ask all them, “How do I find this? How did YOU find this?” They all said the same thing. Literally, everyone person told me the same piece of advice over and over. Stop looking.
This advice drove me bananas. What did they mean stop looking? How the hell was I supposed to do that when I feel like I’ve been looking my whole gosh darn life? The advice really annoyed me. I would smile and nod when they said this and inwardly roll my eyes. I really wanted a relationship! How was I supposed to stop looking for the thing I wanted so badly?!
Plot twist— they were right. It wasn’t initially easy for me to stop looking. It did require effort that made me feel really uncomfortable BUT when I began to let go, I found more ease and I did stop.
The how we stop looking for love requires us to first uncover why we are so desperate to find a relationship in the first place. For me, it was because I was seeking outside validation to know I was worthy. I put my worth on a relationship and only if I was in one would I allow myself to feel worthy of being alive and taking up space. Without one, I was a hopeless mess who was wasting everyones time. I truly felt this way deep down. I felt I needed a relationship to feel loved, accepted and have the life I wanted. If you’re in a similar boat, where you want a relationship desperately, start to question why. What do you think a relationship will bring you that you don’t have currently?
Once I began to notice my why I was able to slowly raising my self worth and placing it internally versus externally. The thing that really helped me with this? Running into the fire (a term I’ve adopted from Lacy). I’ve run into the fire so many times and learned absolutely nothing. When I started to unlock my why’s in regards to need a relationship, raising my worth and bringing my worth internally THEN I could use running into the fire as a tool. And so I did. I was sober, doing the work and feeling really good. I met a dude who was seemed like my list except there were red flags. He was a really shiny carrot though and I ignored the red flags which were 1. he had broken up with very serious live in girlfriend of 2 years one month before and 2. he told me three weeks into meeting he saw us getting married. I ignored these huge, bright red flags and continued to believe we would get married and he was going to be the white knight who saved me. Classic Disney princess syndrome. Disney princess syndrome is a term I coined when we women feel our whole worth is wrapped up in a dude, a relationship and him saving us. Anywho, I was being all Disney princess and a month into our “fairytale” he ghosted me. Oooooh did it hurt. I ran into the fire and got BURNED. The difference was this time, I knew what was up and what happened. I cried and felt sad for two weeks and then I I did something about it.
The first thing I did was look at the list I had created for the partner I was calling in and I picked out all the things on the list that I could actually do. I started to put the work in to be the partner I wanted to date. One example: I had I wanted a partner who spoke more than one language. Uh, I can do that! I started taking french lessons again (I took French in highschool). Actually, those classes led me to decide to move to Paris for one year at the end of 2019 or early 2020 to become fluent in French. Bonjour! Then I got invested in my life! I started long distance running and I went to plays. I started to full out create the really beautiful life I had been sort of creating while waiting for a partner to come along. I vowed to myself after this last instance of running into the fire that I was DONE with waiting to be saved. From that moment on I would create a life so beautiful (making my life a full sundae) and fulfilling if I never got in a relationship I would still be great. And you know what? I took inventory of my life and I realized I was there. I was about to head out on a whirlwind adventure I had created for myself and I felt so GOSH DARN proud. I stopped looking.
And wouldn’t you know it, two weeks into my incredible adventure, I found love (for context, the running into the fire happened in July and I found love in late October. So, it wasn’t just two weeks of not looking). When I wasn’t looking, I found it. Just like everyone told me. Do you want to stop looking too? Great. Here’s how:
Figure out your why. Why do you feel you need a relationship?
If you need to (and I needed to) run into the fire and get burned. However, do enough work so that you’re aware you’re actually running into the fire and will be able to use it as a tool. My example was seeing the red flags and knowing I was running in anyway.
Look at your list of what you’re looking for in a partner and then pick out all the things you can actually start to implement and do. Become the partner you want to date.
Take inventory of your life and what you’ve been waiting for a partner to do. Then start to do it now. Create a life that is full, satisfying and fulfilling NOW. If you wait for someone to come along and do this for you will; a. never feel fulfilled at the point because you’ve put your worth outside yourself b. put intense pressure on another human to fulfill you, a role they will fail at because it isn’t their job and create unnecessary suffering for them and you.
Put your energy into creating a deep community that surrounds you with love. You are who you’re surrounded by so pick people who share similar values and will show up when the going gets tough. Then show up for them and love them fiercely.
If you feel stuck in this area and can’t seem to shake it, I look forward to connecting over a session.