Fantasy versus reality
When we haven’t fully stepped into our worth, we can get caught up in the fantasy of dating versus the reality. This is especially true for my humans with anxious attachment. The fantasy of a person or situation is really easy to get caught up in because it usually feels better than the reality. The fantasy can sound like, “Well, they married, but we have this crazy cosmic connection and they tells me that they have never felt this way before”. Uhh— you’re caught up in a fantasy my friend!
How many tropes of the bad boy with the heart of gold we’ve seen magically changed his ways when he met “the right girl” in movies? A LOT. We’ve been programmed to think that we might be the magical creature that inspires another to change into exactly what we are looking for and THAT is a fantasy. It’s also disempowering us to create change inside ourselves (the only place we can create change), grow our self worth and make more conscious/authentic choices.
Instead, we need to be looking at the reality of a situation and a person. Let’s take the married example. The married human is a married to another human. They lying to their partner and cheating. They are unavailable for a new relationship because they are involved in another one. It’s time to walk away! The fantasy will tell you that you’ve never felt a connection like this before and when they leave their marriage and are with you EVERYTHING will be different! Nope. No. You’re living in a fantasy. Step into your self worth, look in at WHY you are you wanting someone not fully available and start doing the work to unblock whatever it is you find.
Okay, so how do we start to bring ourselves down from the clouds and plant our feet into the ground? Notice all your inner dialogue surrounding your relationship. Is all the dialogue surrounding the relationship about the other person changing actions or circumstances? If yes, you’re living in the fantasy of when all those things come true, you’ll have found your perfect mate. Here’s an action item to take to get back into reality:
When you notice the dialogue, write it down as closely as you can. For example: My partner is married, but we have the best connection and they tell me they have never felt this way before. When they leave their marriage they will be the partner I need.” Now, I want you to write down the facts of the situation. They are married. They are sleeping with you. They are lying to their partner. They are cheating on their partner. etc. Are those things what you actually want? NO!
Bring it back to reality and see the relationship for what it is right now. Not what it could be. Not who the person could be. Who are they right now? What is the relationship right now? Choose someone that doesn’t need to change who they are or circumstances for you to be in a relationship that feels good for you. Choose reality. Leave fantasy for the movies.
If you’re feeling stuck in fantasy, I look forward to connecting over a session.