Shine bright


Last night was the full wolf moon/blood moon lunar eclipse. It sounds intense and oh boy, was it for me. Did you feel it? I wasn’t aware of how much it was working on me until this morning when the spell had broken but, I’ve been locked in it’s grip for the last month or so.

One of things that’s been heavy on my mind is my sobriety and exploring the different ways addiction plays out in my life. For me, at various times, I’ve been addicted to relationships/love, sex, alcohol, food, and tv. All can be a form of numbing and a way for me to seek external comfort from my inward pain. All allow me to get out of my body and into an altered state. Obviously, I’ve taken out the alcohol and drugs so, I’ve watched my addictive tendencies play out in other areas lately. Mostly through food and TV because I’ve also healed and worked through my co decency issues and love addiction. I know TV and food sound innocuous but when driven by obsession and compulsion they can be harmful.

Since my return to NYC in October, I’ve noticed this addictive patterns ramp up. It felt intense and out of control but also, ultimately a good thing. A good thing because they were getting to the point where I was finally exhausted by them and at that point of exhaustion, I will change. I’ve spoken to my sponsor at length about these issues and she’s assured me that working through the steps will help all the addictive patterns in my life and I’m doing that work now.

As January rolled in, the intensity took on new life. I was being heavily triggered by dating and that felt very frustrating. I was feeling a backward slide into old patterns and feared all my work was slowly slipping away. I wasn’t seeking creative outlets at all and instead falling heavy on numbing out via binge watching shows and eating until my stomach hurt. It all culminated into last week! It was a week. I had some fun, exciting things pop up but mostly I just felt heavy/sad/lost and like I was a lost cause. Old limiting beliefs reappeared and were semi successful in dragging me down into their black holes. I was starting to feel pretty sorry for myself and like I couldn’t do anything right.

I felt all my emotions/insecurities come to a head yesterday and I actually said to a friend, “I want to get out of my body. I feel so uncomfortable”. She reminded me that was an okay feeling to have but the really important thing is I wasn’t looking to alcohol to numb that feeling. I was sitting with it instead. And she was right! Not only did I not turn to alcohol or drugs, I didn’t numb with food or tv or any distractions yesterda- an actual miracle. I really sat with all these conflicting emotions and literally just sat with them on my bed and stared out the window. I turned to trusted friends to share and I journaled but I mostly just sat with these feelings, spoke them aloud and allowed them to be inside me. I witnessed and dealt with the uncomfortable feeling of being in my own skin (which I’m now seeing is meaning some sort of growth is happening) and owned the uncomfortableness. Last night, as I watched the bright, full moon and the shadow of the eclipse move across its face, I surrendered to the shadow that moves across me as well.

When I awoke this morning, the heaviness that has been weighing me down had shifted. As I journaled, it dawned me the intensity I had been feeling was the building of the lunar + eclipse energy and it’s no wonder yesterday, the day of the eclipse, felt the most intense. I wrote down all the ways I have been giving my power away and then called all those sources back to their rightful place inside me. The full moon eclipse was in Leo and I have Leo in my fifth house which is the house of our life purpose. It’s also where we find pride in ourselves, our originality and build confidence/self esteem. I moved through old wounds surrounding all of these aspects this month and today, it feels a like a completion of a cycle. It felt like I had all this heavy weight on me, all this pressure and now that it’s relieved the inevitable lightness I now feel is providing much needed clarity in many aspects I had been struggling through. I can see the light and see where I need to focus my energy and time.

I have a diamond tattooed on my left forearm to remind me of this very thing- immense pressure (and a whole lot of time) can transform something ordinary, carbon for example, into something extraordinary not only in beauty but also in strength, a diamond.