We are the rule
How many times have we heard a potential partner tell us what they want (or don’t want) but because we wanted another thing from them we thought we could change them and they would eventually want the same?
I find the above to be true most often in romantic relationships. We want to be the exception to the rule. This guy says he doesn’t want a relationship? Well, he’ll change his mind when he sees how chill we are/how cool we are/how interesting we are, etc. I’m here to tell you, we are the RULE not the exception.
One more time: We are the rule, not the exception.
Being the rule sounds bleak but, it isn’t. Putting our energy into trying to be the exception actually means we are living out a fantasy and not living in reality. It’s a form of Disney Princess Syndrome (DPS) and just like a Disney movie, it isn’t real. Being present for the moment at hand and listening to what the human we are either in a relationship with or considering being in a relationship with, are actually saying they want is very important. For example, if they say they aren’t looking for a relationship, they are not looking for a relationship. If upon hearing that and we want to be in a relationship, think, “well, he probably just means right now and if we keep hanging out he will probably change his mind. He wouldn’t want to lose out on such a catch”, we are not coming from a place of high self worth. As I mentioned, it’s DPS/fantasy land and low self worth.
High self worth means when we hear a guy say some form of he isn’t ready/looking/wanting a relationship, we believe him. He knows himself and he knows what he wants. He might even say, “I don’t know what I want” and do you know what that means? He doesn’t want a relationship! We have seen the unavailable guy change his mind in movies for “the right girl” and that right girl was the exception that made him change his ways, but that is a damaging story line. Waiting around or trying to show him how great we are is low self worth and an ego dance. I see the correlation between this behavior, wanting to be the exception, and not getting enough attention/love from our opposite sex primary care giver. It’s a similar energetic pattern— see me, love me, validate me parent has now turned to see me, love me, validate me partner. It’s a tricky trap to keep us locked in our wounds.
The next time you hear a potential partner say they aren’t looking for what you are looking for and you consider seeing it through, take a step back and ask yourself if you’re trying to be the exception. I would say yes, you are in fact trying to be the exception. Then I want you step away from the situation to go find a mirror, look in it and repeat, “I do not need to validation from anyone but me. This human is saying they don’t want what I want and I love myself enough to walk away from this and walk towards someone who DOES want what I want.” Now put your hand on your heart and concentrate on the feeling a sense of love radiating around your heart and keep it radiating out until it covers your body in a rosy glow. Breathe with the rosy, love glow for 3 full breaths. Open your eyes and then walk the hell away from the potential partner because you’re the rule honey! And the sooner we realize that, we can start releasing the unavailable potential partners and find ourselves an available one!
If you’re having trouble letting go of unavailable partners, I look forward to connecting over a session.