Testing, testing 1,2,3
How do we know when we are faced with a romantic test? Well, I just experienced one so, I have fresh perspective to share.
If you’re unsure about what I’m referencing when I say “test”, it’s when we are faced with a potential partner who isn’t our exact list we are trying to call in but, very close. I learned this from my work with Lacy and a test is the Universe checking to see if we are actually in our worth for what we want. Will we take the “not-quite” thing and settle? Or will we walk away and wait for the real deal?
it can seem confusing at time to know when you’re faced with a test. However, a test isn’t actually confusing but, what confuses us is that we reallllly don’t have to settle. We have been programed day in and day out through conditioning to settle. Settling is sold as the “safe” thing because the West lives in a lack mentality. We are taught that we have to fight tooth and nail to get what’s “ours” and then we better hold the eff on because there isn’t enough and someone might steal our thing. This is a lie. The Universe does not work like that in reality. The Universe is abundant. Period.
Okay, so what does this have to do with tests? We tend to not realize a potential partner is a test until we are on the other side and heartbroken. We don’t realize we are being tested because we justify the red flags we see or we think circumstances/the person may change and we think this is normal. This is how you know you’re in a test! It’s not normal, it’s low self worth! If you start justifying a potential partners behavior or thinking about how when they grow out of whatever thing in the future, you’re being tested. I’ll give you my recent example:
Before I get into the dude, I had written in my journal in the beginning of December that I felt a big test coming. I got pretty cocky and wrote I could handle it! Bring it on! Anyway, I connected with a guy right before I deleted the dating app I was using at the end of December. Conversation was easy right away and he asked to switch to text pretty quickly. Texting was easy, fun and flirty. He started to bring up sex in the beginning of our conversations but, I wouldn’t engage. I didn’t write him off, like I typically would in that instance. He seemed like he had a lot on my list and I wanted to push through. I started to justify. Clue 1. The conversation continued to be great- he asked me questions, answered all of mine openly and thoughtfully. He initiated all communication and even called me to talk on the phone. I was in California at the time and he was in NYC so, we were only communicating virtually. He shared things about himself and his life that sounded like things I was looking for but were a little off. For example, he lived alone but he lived in an apartment his Dad bought and didn’t have to pay rent. I get the appeal of free rent but, I want a partner ready to build a life with me on his own accord, just like I can. Clue 2. Then I weakened my boundary around the sex talk and began engaging. I entertained the idea of just having a fling with this guy because I knew he wasn’t my full list and why not?? It would be fun. I’m an adult! I have needs. What’s the harm? When I really checked in with myself after our conversations turned sexual though, I realized I was actually uncomfortable and did not want a fling. It might be fun when it was happening but after I wouldn’t feel good about participating. My old patterns were rearing up and allowing me to think settling might be worth my while. Fun even! Luckily, I’ve done enough work that I was able to realize quickly what was going on and get back on track. Once I got clear with myself, I let him know that I had a boundary and didn’t want our conversations to be sexual and instead focus on getting to know each other. I’ll admit at this point, I had a crush. Even though I saw a red flag- wanting to jump in so quickly with getting sexual (he did say he wanted a serious relationship. However, I know guys will say anything to get what they want. I also think it’s possible for a person to say they want something but not have the maturity to actually create it.)- I wanted to meet in person and see if something was there. And here is where I was justifying, thinking things might change even though the writing was on the wall. I know better! I’ve done the work! Sigh. Right before we were about to meet he started to get weird. He texted a really weird/rude comment and then blew me off. It felt disappointing, though not at all surprising. I knew then that I wouldn't be meeting up with him because my worth is high enough that I do not put up with rude behavior. The next day he texted to bail on our plans and I responded with a “nice knowing you and take care.”
Alright, so, not my finest hour. I had no problem holding my boundaries, saying no and walking away easily with all the others I had been engaging with in online dating. This particular guy hit me in a spot, I hadn’t realized was still weak. Have you heard of trauma bonding? It’s when two peoples traumas match and the potential partner is a combination of the traits of our opposite sex care taker. Trauma bonding is how our subconscious will push us to work out old childhood traumas. I thought I had dealt with all my “stuff” enough that I wasn’t ruled by it anymore and I’m 90% not. This guy hooked my 10%. I even felt it as it was happening and thought to myself, “Am i trauma bonding again?”. I know I am when I feel instant sexual chemistry and my sexual boundaries get weak.
This experience humbled me. It showed me where I still need to do some healing. I was all cocky when I felt a test was coming and then….less cocky when it showed up. I’m incredibly grateful for this test because I gained more insight into where to work. This is why the Universe sends us tests in the first place. As Lacy has told me over the years, the Universe is only ever trying to push us back onto our authentic path. If we get off track, it will send us a test to help get us back on course. Tests can seem like a punishment but they are a gift. Truly! This test ended on the same day as the New Moon Eclipse in Capricorn too sooo…we are definitely being guided. I also feel a lot more clear on how tests feel and trust myself even more now that I know one when I see one. In this experience, I was still doubting my inner guide. This is a powerful tool I needed to give myself to fully trust that I know what I’m seeing and to not think I need to stay to “see if something changes". "The former being high self worth and latter low self worth.
Let’s recap, how do you know a potential partner is a test:
There’s a red flag
Your justifying red flag or behavior and/or thinking it will change
They are close to your list but, not quite the full list
Your inner guide is clearly communicating to you and you feel doubt, uncomfortable, etc.
If you see the test and walk away, congrats. Keep moving! You’re in a good spot. If you experience the test and can’t walk away, congrats! You know where to do the work. It’s still a good spot. For me, I journaled out the experience to get to the root of why I didn’t walk away when I saw the red flag or knew I was trauma bonding. I’m now taking the root trigger through Partnership, Shadow and Reparent. After experiencing a test the thing to do is acknowledge what you just went through and acknowledge any feelings you have around it. For me, I like to verbalize my feelings so I know I’m allowing them to come up and I sit with them until they pass. After feeling your feelings, get to work! By work, I mean working through the areas that need healing or raising your self worth.
I also took a time out to celebrate the ways in which I had raised my worth and operated from that higher self worth inside this situation. Here’s what I celebrated: I allowed him to pursue me and I didn’t try to pursue him. I clearly communicated my boundary and held it, I didn’t falter out of fear he might think I was boring. When he texted me the weird/rude comment and then blew me off, I didn’t chase after him and try to “fix” it. I let him go. When he bailed on our plans, I walked away. I’m listing these out to encourage you to do the same thing. Often times, “tests” create a lot of fear about “failing”. Failing a test isn’t really a thing. It’s either you walk away and you keep going or you figure out where works needs to be done and do that work. Win/win. It is important in the process to celebrate the small victories because it helps lead to bigger and bigger victories. The more we encourage and root ourselves on, the more we get out of our way as we do this work and allow ourselves to reach for the heights we dream of reaching.
You got this, keep going.
If you’re feeling stuck about a potential partner being a test, I look forward to connecting over a session.