Pumpkin Pie with a Side of Boundaries
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!! I hope you are cooking up a storm for a big feast today with your nearest and dearest or feeling very empowered if you’re celebrating solo. The holidays can be a tough time for a lot of us if we are heading home with a family who triggers us. However, I think the holidays and a trigger inducing family can be fruitful for our spiritual growth. This is prime practice for holding our boundaries and watching our reactions to our triggers. Here are a couple of examples of ways to practice holding your boundaries this holiday season:
NOT DRINKING- Some of us may be flirting with sobriety and choosing to not drink at a family or friends Thanksgiving. However, if your friends/family are used to seeing you drink, you deciding to NOT have a glass of wine or a cold beer can be alarming for those around you. Typically, if you’re not drinking and someone is giving you a hard time or pushing you to drink they are being triggered by you making a healthy choice as it makes them look at their own relationship to drinking. The best way to hold your boundary here is to be VERY firm. Start with, “No thanks. I’m not drinking today.” and if they keep pushing, making fun of you, whining about you not drinking or getting aggressive than firmly say, “I am not drinking today and pleaser respect my boundary.” I also advise to either walk away from the person at the moment and if at the dinner table change the topic of conversation. If a friend or family member is generally curious about why you aren’t drinking and wants to more, you can decide on whether or not you want to discuss it with them. You’ll know the difference between the pushy/whiny/aggressive person and someone genuinely interested because the latter will say something like, “You’re not drinking? Cool. Can I ask why?” or something along those lines. However, even if they are asking in this way you still do not have to share with them if you don’t want to share.
Singleness- Oh boy. We all know this one right? Single and heading home for the holidays and bracing yourself for all the questions about why you haven’t found the right partner yet. First, I want to say this is a moment to look inward and celebrate yourself for all that you are and all the work you’ve been doing. You do not have to be in a relationship to have a full and fulling life. You can be happy and single. Second, shut the questions down. I was recently asked by an old family friend when I would finally get married and I replied, “I probably won’t.” It shut them right up. You don’t have to use that line if marriage is important to you (it’s not to me), but you do get to shut down the prodding questions. If someone asks, “why are you still single?” You can say, “I’m single because I haven’t settled.” or “I’m single because I want to be.” I’m giving you full permission to not feel the need to explain yourself or your love life to anyone you don’t want to and to shut any questions down that are too pushy.
Moral of this story; you don’t owe anyone an explanation about your life and your choices. If you want to share your experiences with a friend or family member who is being genuinely curious about your journey, I think that’s a beautiful way to connect. However, you aren’t obligated to share if you do not want to be sharing. Boundaries let your inner child know that your adult self is in charge and that they (the inner child) are safe. Practice holding boundaries this holiday season and allow yourself to feel protected, safe and confident in the beautiful life you are creating for yourself.
If holding boundaries feels hard for you, I look forward to connecting over a session.