Casual sex— do or don’t?
I’ve heard this question being posed a lot recently and I thought I would throw in my two cents— When looking to call in a relationship will having casual sex block your partner coming in? My answer- it’s settling that stems from low self worth so, yes. I’ll explain…
When we begin doing “the work” on ourselves and begin calling in our ideal partner, there can be a bit of lag time between our partner showing up and when we set the intention to call them in. This period of time can feel lonely. Sometimes it can be months and one can start to feel really…well…horny. We are grown ass adults so, what’s a little casual sex to tide us over until the real thing? Well, it will block the real thing from coming to you! Why? Casual sex isn’t what you really want and you’re settling for less with a random hook up… a lot less in most cases.
Typically, when I hear a woman wanting to have casual sex to scratch the itch, what I hear is a woman who is starving for connection, but still fears she is unworthy. When we are horny, masturbation will do the trick. There are even plenty of fun toys that can get the job done very well. However, if that feels like it won’t be “enough” than what you’re looking for isn’t just getting off, you’re actually seeking connection, intimacy and closeness with another. Casual sex will not provide those things in a way that actually feels deeply satisfying to our hearts and souls. It will end up making us feel more empty, our subconscious fears will be triggered about not being good enough and we will stay in a low self worth loop.
I am not in ANYWAY trying to say a woman can’t explore her sexuality, I am saying I want women to be empowered enough to (to use my friend Kat’s words here) realize they are worth the main course (a healthy, loving relationship) versus settling to just eat a couple of crumbs (casual sex). If a woman is truly just looking to explore her sexuality, she won’t be calling in a relationship, and then by all means if she feels empowered by casual sex— go for it (but wear condoms!). However, if you’re calling in a relationship and wanting to engage with casual sex to take the edge off the loneliness you feel, you’re not fully dealing with yourself and a big opportunity to really step into your worth. It can be hard in the moment to walk way from instant gratification, but when the instant gratification will end up leaving you empty, it’s well worth the momentary discomfort.
If you’re currently calling in a partner and feeling frustrated that you haven’t manifested a relationship yet, I do get it. I was single for 8 years! I get the frustration and loneliness that stems from long seasons of singleness. However, the frustration/loneliness comes not from being single, but that fact that you still aren’t showing up for yourself in the way you need. It’s corny to say it, but the person we are looking for is ourselves. We are lonely because we self abandon subconsciously and then want someone else to swoop in and save us from the emptiness we feel inside. This will never work. We fill ourselves up from the inside out. ALWAYS. So, if you’re feeling frustrated and lonely, how can you show up for yourself? Where are you waiting for a partner to swoop in and save you? What dreams are you putting on hold? What are you avoiding? Where do you feel fulfilled? Do you feel fulfilled? If not, it’s time to fill your cup WAY UP. Casual sex won’t fill your cup. It will empty it further.
If you need support in this area, I look forward to connecting over a session.