Steering the ship
Who steers the ship at the beginning of the relationship? You or do you defer to your partner?
Humans with anxious attachments tend to allow their partner to steer the ship at the start of the relationship to avoid rocking the boat. Persons with anxious attachment have a fear of appearing “too needy” and being abandoned so they will suppress their own needs- often subconsciously- and go with the flow with their new partner. This is harmful behavior for a few reasons; 1. it means you aren’t being authentic. If we aren’t stating out needs and letting our partner knows what works for us, we aren’t being honest or our real selves. 2. It sets up a relationship on false pretense and will lead to resentment. If you do get to a point where you feel more comfortable, you will have gotten yourself into a situation that doesn’t feel good and then will have resentment towards your partner. Nothing good stems from resentment. 3. Letting the other partner steer the ship so as to not be abandoned tends to attract avoidant attachments because then they get to dictate the terms of intimacy and closeness in the relationship to what suits them best— usually a lot of distance. So, what do we do?
We steer the ship!
I’ve spoken about the masculine and feminine energy and how the masculine pursues. It may seem contradictory if I’m then advising you to steer the ship in partnership. It isn’t. The masculine energy can still pursue and the feminine energy can still set the speed, tone and direction of where they are headed. For example, if you want to hold off on getting busy until you really get to know your new beau, then steering the ship would mean you don’t invite him back to your house to make out. That’s letting the him steer as he will be happy to get you in bed, start taking off your clothes and testing your boundaries. Steering the ship means you give him a goodnight kiss at your door and tell him you can’t wait to see him again. And if he throws a fit or isn’t into it? Bye!
Of course the best way to steer the ship, state your needs. Let your potential partner know what feels good for you and then ask them how they feel about it. Keep it light and non demanding. Again, if they aren’t into it, then they are just letting you know they aren’t someone to keep putting energy into. BYE! It will be scary at first, as is any time we push our edge, but it will get easier the more and more you do it.
The more we take ownership of ourselves, our fears and integrate them the more we can create the life and partnerships we want. We can’t leave our needs up to anyone else, that’s self abandonment. We steer our ships and set our course and we will find the partner who wants to jump on board and go in the same direction too.
If you’re having trouble in this area, I look forward to connecting over a session.
First photo- Rodney Smith, Second- Unknown, Third- Alfred Eisenstaedt