When saying no feels bad


When we start standing in our foundation, a stronger sense of self worth comes into play. At this point we are usually in phase two, about to head into phase three and ready to walk away from old patterns. This requires us saying no, blocking someone, breaking up, etc. When we get to this part of our journey we expect that saying no or walking away from someone will feel good and it can feel like a rude awakening when it doesn’t feel good and instead feels really shitty. The crappy feeling when we were expecting to feel elated can make us feel confused to if we did the right thing. Here’s the thing, saying no/walking away doesn’t always feel good. It can very often feel bad and that’s okay.

The reason for the less than stellar feelings is whatever you’re saying no to or walking away from is connected to core wound from your childhood. The core wound had you behaving in a specific pattern that your brain and it’s neurons were wired to fire together over and over to continue that pattern. It became the path of least resistance. When you’re finally able to create change you will not only be tapping into the depth of the pain from the core wound you couldn’t deal with in childhood, you’re also creating a new neural pathway and thus a new pattern. However, the neural pathway is new and uncomfortable to keep firing because the brain wants the path of least resistance and the new pathway is resistance.

If you’ve just walked away from someone who was unavailable, finally closed a door, said no or created whatever boundary you needed for your growth/protection and it feels crappy, you’re still doing the right thing. The reasons I got into above are why the new pattern will feel kind of clunky and not great in you right away and that’s okay. Hold space for the feelings that are coming up (I’ll explain how to do that below) and stay your course! You’re doing great work and taking impressive action steps towards a more authentic you!

How to hold space for feelings to feel and release them:

  1. Get to a quiet space

  2. Either close your eyes or keep your eyes open and looking out to something in nature

  3. Put your hand on your heart— it helps engage your vagal brake, helping switch you from your sympathetic nervous system (fight or flight) to your parasympathetic nervous system (rest and digest) and ask yourself what your feeling.

  4. Speak the feeling out loud and then just let the feeling wash over you and your body— try to not put a story or any other words around it as that means you’re in your left hemisphere and are actually suppressing the emotion. Let the feeling be felt somatically to ensure you’re in the right hemisphere (the feeling side) and once you’ve felt the entirety of the emotion it will lift out of you.

  5. Repeat the process for all the feelings you have inside you at the moment. You’ll feel a sense of peace when you’re done.

If you’re feeling stuck in your relationships, I look forward to connecting over a session!