A guide to enjoying online dating
I’ve been single again for about 7 months. And I’m loving it. Around the end of September and early October, I started to get hints that I was ready to start dating again. I had a couple dreams back to back that showed me I was getting the go ahead from the deepest parts of me to begin to call in my new partner. I sat with the feeling for awhile because I have been truly savoring this season in my life and I’m in no rush to let it end. In November I finally felt ready to listen to the call and start the process of opening my gates once again.
I started with the protocol I give all my clients who haven’t dated in awhile- one month online dating. Before this process, I also have them do a lot of homework to make sure their foundations are set and their self worth is rising. My foundation is solid, my self worth is high (bless) so I’m good to go. I use Lacy’s manifesting program as my base because it works. Like REALLY works. How do we call in what we want? By being sure of what is we actually want! So, we gotta write that ish down. Creating “the list” for whatever we are calling in offers so much clarity when tests begin to roll in and test always show up. I created my list for my next partner so I’m aware of red flags to watch out for, know tests when I see them and to not settle for anything less than my EXACT list.
List created, I signed up for a dating app for my one month of online dating. Why one month? I use online dating as a tool. It’s really great to practice putting ourselves out there, sticking to our boundaries, spotting red flags, saying no and flirting. I have ZERO expectations of meeting my partner through online dating and I advise my clients to have a similar outlook. Online dating is a tool and if we make it work for us it will put us in the right frame of mind to call in our partners.
I have a couple of rules for online dating too. I do not call meeting up with a guy from an app a “date”. The word date has weird expectations around it and we don’t need that clogging our heads. We want clarity! So, I call them meet ups. I am meeting up with a stranger to get to know them. I look at all these meets up as meeting a potential new friend whom I might be interested and want to date. A therapist once told me the timeline for a healthy relationship is meet, become friends, date and long while later a relationship. It’s something that has stuck with me and I find it to be very helpful. We do not need to rush the process of getting to know someone. We do not need to lock someone down so we aren’t alone. If we are looking for long term partnership and want to spend 10 + years with a person, what is the rush? So, I take my time and I advise clients to do the same. I advise clients to move at a pace which allows them to spot red flags and tests and walk away easily.
Alright, so the stage is set and I’m into my month long stint in online dating. How’s it going? This time around it’s been SUPER FUN. Never in my life would I imagine I would consider online dating fun. I had always loathed it because I was trying to rush head first into the first person who would have me so I could be in a relationship, not be alone and all my problems would be fixed. Whew. It was a lot of pressure and sucked all the fun out of the experience. Now, I love all the practice I’m getting at maintaining my boundaries, flirting, meeting interesting men and saying no. It’s been incredible for me to watch myself actually HAVE boundaries and enforce them when needed. The stakes are low because my worth, happiness or peace of mind has NOTHING to do with dating. NOTHING. Low stakes create a lightness and keeps it fun. And as I mentioned I am very happy in my life. I don’t feel like I NEED someone to complete any aspect of me or my life. Meeting new men is enjoyable with this foundation. I don’t need them to be anything to me or for me so, I get to enjoy them without any pressure or expectations.
I’ve also learned a ton so far on my handful of meet-ups. I recognized my boundaries are really helpful for weeding out dudes who would just waste my time. Case in point, I had “matched” with a dude and after brief chatting he asked me out and got my number. Cool. He texted me plans of wanting to meet a bar. I’m sober so meeting at a bar is a hard no for me. I let him know I didn’t drink and would like to do something that didn’t involve drinking. He replied I could just get soda water at the bar. Um, not the point. I let him know a bar was a no go for me and I totally understood that wasn’t working for him and wished him well. He immediately got defensive and started getting aggressive. I blocked him and then found myself laughing at how much having boundaries saved me. Imagine a meet-up with that dude! The next guy I chatted with was really great. We had a ton in common, he asked great questions and on paper seemed to be my list. He asked me to dinner and when I arrived he smelled like booze. I want to date someone who is sober or sober curious (meaning they drink VERY little and not often). It’s on my list. I also discovered he owned a bar. He was fantastic but, the drinking lifestyle just isn’t mine anymore so I had to say no to a second meet-up. Test passed!
Through this whole process I always stop to find gratitude. After every interaction I like, I stop and close my eyes and say to the Universe, “Thank you for blank. I would like more please”. I want to keep acknowledging the good and create more of it. The interactions that don’t feel as good like the aggressive dude, teach me and by holding boundaries, saying no and passing tests I show the Universe I’m ready for what I’m calling into my life. It’s actually a really informative and fun process, if we allow it to be.
If you’re feel dating is hard and you’ll never meet your partner, I look forward to connecting over a session.