Dating is weird...prickly even. See what I did there? All kidding aside, I was single for 8 years in New York and dated A LOT. I've had 1,000 (rough estimate) first dates and probably had my heart broken as many times. NYC is a tough place to look for love. When I was about to move to New York, I read a magazine article that said if I was looking for a husband to move to Denver because I wouldn't find one in NYC. I believe I know the reason why.
Being that I've had years of experience in the dating world, it's only right that I've picked up some knowledge along the way. It wasn't by accident. I got serious on doing work on myself and thus was able to see my dating patterns very clearly. The most important part was not only seeing my patterns but finding their root and healing the underlying limiting belief of said pattern. It was this process that allowed for deep healing around love and allowed me to dig myself out of repeating past mistakes.
Two of the main patterns I noticed were: trying to force relationships to happen very quickly and blaming the guy when things didn't work out or went wrong. I'll tackle the forcing pattern first. Years ago, a dear therapist told me that a relationship timeline is as follows: meet, friends, dating and then a long while later a relationship happens. My time line was more like; meet, first date, are you my boyfriend? I was trying to force a relationship with every guy because I didn't feel worthy without a partner. This lack of self worth and needing validation from a man to feel worthy as a human, meant I would go on a first date and without really stopping to get to know the person, want to be with him. I would try to force a relationship into being even when it was apparent that the man on the other end wasn't looking for one. I also wasn't taking the time to truly get to know the man I was seeing. I was blinded by this deep desire to feel loved that I never stopped to think, "Do I really like this person?". I pushed forward with trying to create a relationship with each new guy even though most them displayed numerous red flags and bad behaviors. It would take a guy ghosting me, breaking up with me, cheating, etc for me to finally stop pursuing a relationship with him. And then I would turn around, slam the guy to all my friend and lay the blame for my unhappiness at his feet.
We've all had the conversation with our girlfriend who is heartbroken over a dude and as her friend, tell her he's a dick and she's better off without him. While, this talk comes from a place of love, its actually really harmful. Let me explain. When I was trying to force a relationship and it would blow up in my face, I always blamed the guy. He was an asshole or player or emotionally unavailable. It was always him, him, him. In reality, I needed to turn that judgement around and look at me, me, me. I was choosing to jump feet first into a relationship with a relative stranger and when I saw red flags or behavior I wasn't cool with, instead of addressing it openly and walking away, I would stay. The staying despite the warning signs is self destructive behavior and is more important to address than the guy who ghosted me. Blaming the guy all the time and spending HOURS of my precious energy fuming with girlfriends about what a asshole he was or crying about why he didn't want me was keeping me in a victim mentality. Do you know what kind of growth is available when in a victim mentality? NONE.
Now, I'm not saying it's acceptable for people to treat each other terribly. I'm saying the exact opposite. First, take time to get to know someone- mentally, spiritually, and then physically. It takes more than 3 dates to know someone and what they stand for in life. And during the getting to you know process if you see red flags, walk away! There's a saying that goes, When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Believe the men who show you they aren't looking for a relationship or are emotionally unavailable. We cannot change or control anyone but our wonderful selves. When a dating situation doesn't lead to a relationship versus blaming the other person (or even ourselves) is to look at what you learned, wish the other person well, walk away and continue on your journey of knowing your worth! The more we own our worth, the less we settle for potential partners that will treat us terribly and the more we will rise to find those potential partners that will treat us like we always dreamed.
If you're feeling stuck or unlucky in dating, I would love to connect with you over a session.