So, you’ve been ghosted. Now what?

I think we’ve all been here before. A new relationship seems to be going well and then out of the blue (it seems) our new partner just bails. Not only do they bail, but they don’t even tell us they are bailing. They just stop texting/calling/hanging out. Ghosting is a new term, but the behavior is old. It’s painful when it happens to you. It’s happened to me and oh man, did it hurt. How do we handle the ghosting when it comes up? Do we text or call them to give them a peace of our mind? Do we let go?

First, let’s talk about why people ghost. In my opinion ghosting stems from a lack of being able to withstand conflict. The ghoster doesn’t want to deal with a. the ghostee being upset by the ghoster no longer being into them b. they don’t want to be the bad guy/girl. What ends up happening is a and b both come true and are usually way worse after the disappearing act. Being broken up with isn’t a bed of roses itself, but the explanation is more comforting. When we get ghosted, especially those of us with anxious attachments, we tend to assume it’s something we did wrong. We will hold on to the relationship and go over and over and over every detail in our mind, wondering if there is anything we could have done differently to change the outcome. There is nothing we could do differently because when someone ghosts us it’s not about us. Ghosting is about the person doing the ghosting.

It’s painful to have a potential partner just up and disappear. It’s even more painful if we have an anxious attachment style and have put said partner on a pedestal and are (subconsciously) expecting this partner to “save us” and make us whole/happy/fulfilled etc. It will feel like everything you know to be true is a lie. It isn’t. When we are ghosted it’s a sign we were not paying attention to the red flags that were popping up. And the red flags always pop up. It’s usually in the beginning too, but we dismiss them and justify them away. Being ghosted still isn’t the fault of the ghostee, but it is a valuable lesson. The lesson being— when you see a red flag, RUN. We don’t need to investigate red flags? Why? That’s low self worth behavior. Doing the deep spiritual work of digging up our childhood wounds and reprogramming them means we raise our worth to the point we no longer feel deserving of maybe’s/what if’s and red flags. Instead we know we deserve the full package with emotionally available partners— note, this does not mean a “perfect” partner. We are all human and imperfect. BUT, our partners will be emotionally available, will see us, honor us and love us for our imperfect selves too.

If you have been ghosted and feel temped to track the ghoster down to give them a peace of your mind, my advice is don’t. We cannot control others nor can we make them learn lessons they don’t want to learn by yelling/telling them off/telling them how they SHOULD act. What we can do is process the lesson we’ve been given, take the bitter medicine and let it work it’s alchemy on us. We can use the pain to help us dig deeper into why we looked past the initial red flags, reprogram and move forward unwilling to do so again. If you feel like you want to show the Universe you’re not accepting of that behavior than do the work! Don’t waste your time trying to change someone else. Thank them for clearing away their bullshit from your path, opening you up for someone available and move forward (feel your feelings first OF COURSE). I truly believe it’s a waste of time to spend your precious energy trying to understand why the ghoster would do such a thing because it’s focusing on outward circumstances. Pulling your focus back in, feeling the feelings, processing the extra layer of yourself getting peeled back and then doing the work on what was newly revealed to you is a much more useful way to spend your energy. It will create magnetism and forward motion.

Practical steps after this happens—

- Feel your feelings first and foremost so you aren’t repressing emotion and causing chronic stress/new blocks.

-Delete their number and stop following them on social media. Commit to no social media or Google stalking.

-Journal- free write about what you’re feeling after the ghosting and what you’ve learned from the experience.

-Double down on the work and get to reprogramming old limiting beliefs that are telling you to stick around when you’re seeing red flags.

If you’ve been ghosted and are having a hard time dealing, I look forward to connecting over a session.

Photo via shutterstock