How do you approach dating? If you have anxious attachment when you meet someone, do you focus solely on that person and not date anyone else? Probably. It isn’t the best approach to dating and I’ll share why.
When we have an anxious attachment style, we put people on pedestals. They become higher than us and our higher power more often than not. We automatically put ourselves below them and suddenly our every move is about them. Will they like this? What will they think of me if I say this? When I will hear from them again? Do they think I’m being annoying? Etc, etc. Those of us with anxious attachment have a tendency to get obsessive over romantic partners. I’ve shared tools on how to help yourself get through moments of being “activated”— when your attachment style switches on- and I want to share one more with you— keep dating.
Those of us with anxious attachment typically date one person at a time. We meet someone we like and all our eggs go in their basket. Dating only one person creates a vacuum and makes it a lot harder to keep perspective, deactivate yourself and take it slow. However, if you continue to date others at the same time, it will do the opposite. Dating more than one person will help you to keep your perspective about what you’re really looking for and put you back in the drivers seat of choosing the partner who is showing up for you, not choosing the one you are trying to impress (aka being activated by). My philosophy is taking it VERY slow with dating and when you’re in a dating more than one person, you’re taking it slow with all of them. And by dating, I really mean getting to know more than one person. Also, communicate you are getting to know other people! This way your eggs stay in your basket until a potential partner shows you via ACTION that they are ready to commit. When that happens, you communicate to anyone else you got serious with someone and wish them well.
It’s easy to jump in quickly at the beginning when you like someone and just focus on them. We will justify it as we are busy and don’t have time for anyone else. You know what you don’t have time for though? Getting activated and being obsessed with a potential partner and having to go through withdrawal. It’s not fun and it consumes your life. When you meet someone who you think has potential, note it and keep meeting people! It makes dating A LOT more fun because there isn’t pressure upon one person to be everything you need from the get go. Instead, you’ll get to watch how people show up to you and make a an educated choice with that information. Do not make someone your only choice, until they have shown you, you are their own choice too.
If you’re feeling stuck in dating, I look forward to connecting over a session.