I cracked the code on dating


The last round of dating I did before I met my boyfriend was the best dating experience I have ever had. I felt empowered, I was having fun and I ended up meeting someone wonderful and getting into a relationship.

I used to hate dating. It felt like such a chore and I just wanted to jump straight to the cozy relationship vibes with a guy who adored me and instead I was only meeting unavailable guy after unavailable guy. It felt like a purgatory and I didn’t know how to escape. Slowly and surely I did and was able to completely 180 my experience. Below is what changed for me:

  1. I did the work to lay a solid foundation for myself— through all this deep spiritual digging aka the work I was able to cultivate a deep sense of my self and stand really tall in my worth. I was able to see myself and all I was brining to the table and knew what I was looking for and willing to walk away from situations that weren’t serving me. I had a deep sense of trust in myself and my choices; I also deeply trusted the Universe. I knew I was never being punished— rejection is protection!— and that all that I was seeking was seeking me.

  2. I took 3 months off dating—After a big test I had in January (listen to my episode on the Expanded podcast to hear more) I decided to take three months off dating. I also took 3 months off intriguing and both helped me pull in the last stragglers of outside validation seeking inward so I coming out of the three months I was validating myself and knew I didn’t need anyone else to do that for me. This meant I was rooted in my worth and there was no sense of desperation for me to find a relationship.

  3. I created a full life— This is important— I created a life that when I looked around, even being single, I felt, “this is enough”. As I like to say, my life was a full sundae! A relationship would just be a cherry on top, but the fullness all came from me. Again, I felt zero desperation about getting into a relationship and could easily say NO, keep boundaries, etc.

  4. I worked towards earned secure— I talk about this a lot, but if we develop an insecure attachment during our childhood we aren’t destined for that attachment style forever. I worked even more on becoming earned secure. This meant I said no, communicated my needs and boundaries and went into the dating process with a trust of intimacy and others.

  5. Date around— I wrote about this here , but it needs to be said again— KEEP DATING. This is important for anxious attachments because our tendency is meet someone and throw all out eggs in their basket right away. I dated multiple people this last time around. When I met my boyfriend, I knew I liked him, but I didn’t want to keep all my energy and attention focused on him so I kept dating. It made the whole process so fun! It meant that my energy wasn’t focused all on one person too soon and I was reminded me that these dudes were interviewing for ME not the other way around. And you know what? I met a ton of great dudes who were all available and interested in me. I kept dating until my BF and I were ready to be exclusive and then let the other fellas know I was off the market.

  6. I love online dating— i’ve said this a bunch too, but it’s the perfect place to practice all the things— spotting red flags, walking away, boundaries, saying no, having interesting conversations with potential partners, flirting, etc, etc. And I met really wonderful, interesting dudes!

If you feel stuck in dating, I look forward to connecting during a session.